today is pancake day. the day to feast before 40 days of restriction.
except 1) i am not religious and 2) every day is a day of restriction here.
no such caveats apply to my husband though and he has been mulling what to give up for lent. i suggested alcohol but, as he has just successfully completed a dry january, that didn’t seem much of a challenge. last year, he gave up all processed/added sugar and he was considering doing that again. he did pizza one year but has vowed never again. normally i join him in whatever he gives up, more for moral support than any other reason.
it’s been strange since i told him last week of my anorexia diagnosis. once he got over his initial confusion (‘is that the one where you throw up?’), he said he was sad. and that makes me so sad.
i can tell that he doesn’t know what to do or to say. this morning in bed, he had his arms around me and i could tell that he was feeling the bones which have gradually become frighteningly close to the surface. but i could also tell that he didn’t know what to say. we’ve had more arguments in this past week than we’ve had for the whole of our relationship, generally because he’s tried to make me eat something that i don’t want or – more often – can’t bring myself to eat. as much as i might be struggling right now, i think it’s even worse for him.
this morning, i emailed today’s weight to my psychiatrist. i’ve lost even more. his reply was stark. i’m heading for a hospital admission within a month. that’s not what he wants for me and that’s definitely not what i want for myself. i can’t even begin to imagine how it would devastate my husband. in order to avoid that, my psychiatrist has said we need a more ‘aggressive’ approach. i don’t know quite what that entails yet but i know it’s going to be fucking hard.
when i asked my husband earlier what he’d decided to give up and he said he’d decided not to give anything up. i think that’s his sacrifice for me; the last thing i need is more restriction in my life.
by the time lent finishes, on 1 april, i would love to have our first round of ivf underway. i’m not sure that’s a realistic proposition any more given where i am today but i have to believe that, 40 days from tomorrow, i’ll be in a much better place.
oh and whilst i can’t face our normal shrove tuesday pancakes, drowning in lemon juice and crisp with sugar, i’m not a total heathen so i’m planning a version of these alongside my latest obsession, broccoli roasted with garlic and a scattering of chilli flakes.
{title quotation from pope francis at the start of lent in 2014}
eating brownies 